For the longest time I used to say that I never wanted to have kids  (Note to self - delete this entry before kids are old enough to read it).  But when I turned 30 my biological clock hit me over the head and next thing you know, that was the only thing I could think about.

As soon as we started trying, it felt like every day that went by was another day lost.  I couldn't get pregnant fast enough.  The seven months it took were an eternity!  Not to mention the nine months that it took to get the final result!  I had mixed feelings.  I was happy to finally be pregnant, I was scared (Holy crap, what have we done?), I was relieved that the baby was healthy and whole.  What I didn't know was how hard the first few months would prove to be.  No one told me.

Being a mom of this century I had read all the books, What to Expect When You're Expecting, The Pregnancy Book, and a few others.  Hubby and I had taken Lamaze and I trusted my Dr. implicitly - which worked out because he saved all our lives twice!

But I never ever read about breastfeeding.  I remember as a kid seeing pictures of naked women nursing their babies in the National Geographic Magazines.  I knew that my grandmother had breastfed all eight of her kids...  I figured breastfeeding was a natural thing; and therefore innate.  I thought Mother Nature would take over and we would figure it out.  I was so naive.

I wasn't prepared for the pain, for the worry, for the ineptness I felt.  Every day that I nursed that baby would start with, "I can do this.  Thousands of other women have done it.  I can do this."
And by the end of the day, it was, "I'm quitting this.  Its not worth it.  We're never gonna get it."

What got me through it all was my mother's support (who did NOT nurse me), friends, many women from my church, and women at a local La Leche League group. 
I used to give myself deadlines.  "I will do it for one month, and then re-evaluate."  Some days were better than others.

Breastfeeding is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But I wouldn't change a thing.  I suffered through it because I felt so strongly about doing it.  BG quit nursing on her own at nine months.  That was the happiest and saddest moment for me.

Another thing no one told me about was how hard it is when they're babies.  Here you have a little person that you've made who looks like you and yet they're so helpless.  They can't tell you how they feel.  They can't tell you when they're hungry, if they have a wet diaper, if they're tired, if they're in pain.  All they do is cry, in the same tone for all said things, and you, sleep deprived and physically and emotionally impaired, have to figure out why and how to fix it.

The first few months of BG's life were the longest I've ever experienced.  I can remember sitting with her in the middle of the night wondering when it would end.  She had her nights and days mixed up so she would lay awake at 3am while I sat in the rocking chair, dosing off and trying not to drop her.  When I wasn't exhausted, I was crying and worrying.  Crying from the hormones coursing through my body and from the lack of confidence I felt as a mom.  I worried about whether she was getting enough milk, enough sleep, enough play time, enough learning time.  I was a disaster.  Hubby would come home at the end of his work day and I would just burst out crying.  Poor guy, never knew what hit him.

And the other thing no one told me was that your life is no longer your own, ever again (although this one is a bit obvious)!  We'd had dogs before we had kids so we were familiar with having to take care of other beings.  But, if we wanted to go out to dinner or to a movie, we just locked the dogs up in their crates and we could go out.  You can't do that with kids, though.  By the time you get a trustworthy sitter who will come watch your kids, something always happens.  The kids get sick or they decide to stop sleeping through the night.  Or your sitter is your best friend and you're bummed because you want to go out with her too.

I have to say though, as hard as I make it sound, it gets better; with the second child and as they get older.  BG is now three plus.  She is very independent, she's in the 95th percentile of height and weight, and she's smart as a whip.  Buddy is almost one.  He's super smart, sleeps through the night and will be walking soon.

Most days, I wouldn't trade them in.  But there are days when I still feel like I could use a break.

My sister-in-law is expecting her second baby.  A good friend of mine is pregnant with her first baby (through in vitro).  My other sister-in-law just had a baby.  A friend of mine gave birth to her fourth baby three months ago.  Although I am happy for them, I also feel like I've failed them because I'm not telling them any of these things I wish I had known.  But it's irrelevant, because it wouldn't have changed anything if someone had told me.  I think parenthood is a lesson everyone has to learn on their own.  You can never take someone else's word for it.

"This post was inspired by the Blog Blast prompt from the Parent Bloggers Network, in conjunction with their promotion of the new Discovery Health docu-drama Deliver Me, which follows three women - best friends, working mothers and physicians - as they balance delivering babies together in their OB/GYN practice with their lives outside the delivery room.  For more information, and a chance to win a fabulous prize, check out The Parent Bloggers."